What's happened?

Absent....

I have had a little break from blogging to which I have sorely missed. In the last few months it has been quite difficult to come back and start to blog and mainly for the reasons that I will explain.

My nan sadly passed away and for me I took this really hard. My nan was virtually my um and to be  honest i was probably closer to her than my actual mum. We shared everything from realtionship problems to work issues to who should leave the X Factor. I still think this feels unreal and that she will still be there at the end of the phone. 

Iv also been trying for a baby since July and for all the things that I have happened, I have been finding this hard to make happen (does that even make sense???)Through no fault of my family there has been a lot of pressure from them asking am I pregnant?, when is it going to happen etc etc? So, I have put a lot of pressure on myself and my boyfriend to get pregnant.... This resulted in me having a lot of anxiety issues every month that came around with every negative test. I myself would pile a lot of blame and pressure onto my body. I would be making sure I would eat and drink correctly, making the 'trying' for a baby pleasurable (oops sorry) not robotic - I was like a machine and to be honest I was forgetting what the real reason of trying for a baby was about?!!

Fortunately, I found out I was pregnant last week so I was over the moon but then unfortunately I miscarried a few days later... This brought back awful memories and blame from 8 years ago where I also miscarried at 8 weeks. This was a different situation as we are financially secure etc etc but I could not help blame myself? All I can think about is why us?? We would love and care for our child. It then lead to me blaming myself and to be fair 4 days later I am still at the blame period and this even might sound unusual but embarrassment - What is wrong with me? Why can't I carry a child? Things are still raw at the moment but I need to start to realise that maybe it wasn't meant to be? It will happen when it happens (echoes from my family and friends comments) and that time will be the healer.

I know this is quite a depressing post but I needed to write it to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper and try and move on...

I am hoping to start to get back to the things I enjoy like seeing friends, shopping and blogging and not leading such a regimental life. The anxiety I was feeling was to do with putting too much pressure onto making my life too perfect - I am a perfectionist and I know this is not good for you. I have to learn to live life and not worry about what is around the corner...